1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Freedom from regret.
2. What is your greatest fear? Regretting my answer to Question 1.
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Overthinking traits to deplore.
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Arrogance.
5. Which living person do you most admire? “Anonymous Donor.”
6. What is your greatest extravagance? Good food and great wine. And, living in NYC.
7. What is your current state of mind? Resilient.
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Chastity. It’s just redundant. Doesn’t temperance have that space covered?
9. On what occasion do you lie? On the occasion that the truth is harmful and the lie is inconsequential. So, you know, over the holidays.
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? I appear short.
11. Which living person do you most despise? N/A. Trying real %$^*#’n hard to give demagogic people grace.
12. What is the quality you most like in a person? Sense of humor.
13. What is your favorite journey? The scenic byway along the river that takes me “home.
14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Awesome;” “Love it;” and “Seriously?!”
15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? Fresh air + fresh water + me = typical love triangle. And Mike. And my family.
16. When and where were you happiest? Every day is better than the last. (“It’s not a lie if you believe it.”—George Costanza.)
17. Which talent would you most like to have? I wish I could sing. I mean really sing. I’m talking about that spine-tingling, jaw-shaking vibrato that some call “jawbrato.” A talent that inspires both awe and jaw. For now, “jawbrato” is a leading boat name contender. Jury’s still out on which one I acquire first.
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I’d know how to cure what ails us.
19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Balancing wide-eyed optimism with a keen bullshit detector.
20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? A wave.
21. Where would you most like to live? The Whitsunday Islands.
22. What is your most treasured possession? My memory. I think that’s what I meant to say.
23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? The moment we’ve fully delegated serendipity, chance, inspiration, rejection, and attachment to the machines.
24. What is your favorite occupation? One that creates joy.
25. What is your most marked characteristic? Wit.
26. What do you most value in your friends? Integrity.
27. Who are your favorite writers? Wes Anderson, Frank Bruni, Blake Butler, Octavia E. Butler, Sean T. Collins, Pat Conroy, Larry David, Frank DeFord, Joan Didion, Maureen Dowd, Nora Ephron, Tina Fey, Elena Ferrante, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Gary Gulman, Jack Handey, Joseph Heller, Ken Kesey, Stephen King, Wally Lamb, Steve Martin, Seth Meyers, Chuck Palahniuk, Charles P. Pierce, David Sedaris, Lucian K. Truscott IV, Kurt Vonnegut, and Tom Wolfe.
28. Who is your hero of fiction? A social media sanity regulator.
29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? A figure of speech.
30. Who are your heroes in real life? First responders.
31. What are your favorite names? Names of nick and pet.
32. What is it that you most dislike? Ignorance. (If a better answer exists, I don’t want to hear it.)
33. What is your greatest regret? I don’t consider any of my regrets great.
34. How would you like to die? If I must determine my ultimate demise, I’d prefer to depart while deep in slumber, enjoying one of those rare—but totally badass—dreams in which I fly among wispy clouds and warm rays of sunshine. The background music is likely to include the theme song to The Neverending Story, Tchaikovsky: The Nutcracker, Op. 71, Act II: No. 14a, Pas de deux, and Into the Mystic by Van Morrison.
35. What is your motto? If you’ve ever had a bad time laughing, you’re doing it wrong.
Honorable Mention: “Fear less; hope more. Eat less; chew more. Talk less; say more. Hate less; love more.” — Pauline Phillips, aka “Dear Abby”