The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Freedom from regret.

2. What is your greatest fear? Regretting my answer to Question 1.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Fear of regret.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Arrogance.

5. Which living person do you most admire? My grandmother.

6. What is your greatest extravagance? Good food and great wine.

7. What is your current state of mind? Curious.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Idealism.

9. On what occasion do you lie? On the occasion that the truth is harmful and the lie is inconsequential. So, you know, over the holidays.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? I appear short.

11. Which living person do you most despise? 45.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man? Sense of humor.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Sense of humor.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Awesome.”; “WTF” and “Love.”

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? My family. Fresh air. Fresh water. Fresh Prince? And: Final Answer Pending Further Review.

16. When and where were you happiest? Working on it… TBD.

17. Which talent would you most like to have? I wish I could sing. I mean really sing.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I’d like to have the ability to amass sleep like fuel.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Balancing wide-eyed optimism with a keen bullshit detector.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? A rooster… to spite morning people.

21. Where would you most like to live? Utopia. With a better name. Something that steers clear of sounding like a lactose-free yogurt or calcium supplement.

22. What is your most treasured possession? My memory.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? A NASCAR-themed Carnival Cruise with an “I could care less” theme… Yes, “could” instead of “couldn’t.” (shudder)

24. What is your favorite occupation? One that isn’t conducted under a pretense of benevolence from behind a façade designed to mask self-righteous greed.

25. What is your most marked characteristic? Wit. But, that depends on who’s doing the marking.

26. What do you most value in your friends? Loyalty.

27. Who are your favorite writers? Wes Anderson, Frank Bruni, Louis C.K., Larry David, Frank DeFord, Maureen Dowd, Nora Ephron, Tina Fey, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Gary Gulman, Jack Handey, Joseph Heller, Ken Kesey, Steve Martin, Seth Meyers, Dan Rather, David Sedaris, Jerry Seinfeld, Kurt Vonnegut and Tom Wolfe.

28. Who is your hero of fiction? A sanity regulator in social media.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? A figure of speech.

30. Who are your heroes in real life? First responders.

31. What are your favorite names? Names of nick and pet, if I am part of their origin.

32. What is it that you most dislike? Ignorance. (If a better answer exists, I don’t want to hear it.)

33. What is your greatest regret? I don’t consider any of my regrets great. However, I do regret times when I was honest but should have lied and times when I lied but should have been honest and, ultimately, my inability to decipher between the two.

34. How would you like to die? I would not like to die. However, I cannot take credit for that answer. So, I guess I’d like to be asleep dreaming of flying through the clouds guided by warm rays of sunshine.

35. What is your motto? If you’ve ever had a bad time laughing, you’re doing it wrong.

Honorable Mention:

“Fear less; hope more. Eat less; chew more. Talk less; say more. Hate less; love more.”
— Pauline Phillips, aka “Dear Abby”